Staying Afloat


I am swimming in dark water, kicking furiously to keep my head above water but with arms like lead - so that above the surface it appears that I'm effortlessly staying afloat. Dramatic? Yes. But true? Also yes.

Gotdamn, life can be hard AF. The breast cancer diagnosis hit me like a brick to the head. I knew I would very likely face the big C eventually, but I thought I had a good 15-20 years before then. Throughout this process I have hoped for the all clear. Instead...

The abnormal mammogram - "it's likely nothing, we just want a better look"

Then the next abnormal mammogram - "we still see something, so we want to make sure it's nothing to worry about"

Then the biopsy - "it is still a very small percentage of tests that come back cancerous"

And here we are. A diagnosis of ductal carcinoma in-situ (DCIS). Sure this is incredibly treatable and has a great prognosis, but it's still cancer.

In the past week, I've met with a breast surgeon, a genetic counselor, a plastic surgeon, and had to remove all hormonal birth control. The MRI to confirm that DCIS is "all" I have is just around the corner. Anxiety over what they might find is hard to ignore. Is it likely that there is anything more than they have already found? Unlikely. Then again, as my amazing primary care doctor likes to tell me "you do break all the rules".

Even if it is "just" what we know I have so far, it's still a fucking lot. Not as much as some have to deal with, but enough. More than enough. I'm trying to accept that I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to be sad. Others may have it worse, but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with this happening. Because of my family history, which is rife with cancer of various sorts (but breast as a repeat offender), and my own existing health issues, I'm choosing to give me the best chance to avoid recurrence by undergoing a double mastectomy. I didn't completely grasp until today - once I was meeting with the reconstructive surgeon - just how major this process is going to be. What complications there might be. What repercussions there might be. And what a loss it is going to be. It is the right decision for my own health and peace of mind, but the sacrifices to get to where I am/feel safest - well, they are enormous (even if my breasts aren't).

They told me today to prepare for a longer recovery than "whatever timeline you're thinking". I just want this to be over but I know the journey ahead is long and arduous. I've had so many tell me how strong I am and how brave I am and at first I thought there was no way that is true. The fear inside? It's overwhelming. I'm breaking down in tears at least once a day. I struggle to focus. Are these the signs of someone strong? Well, actually....yes. It takes strength to face a battle like this and just go on with life - but I have so much hope for the future. It is what has gotten me through my entire life. Hope. Over and over.

I find that hope in my support system. I don't know what I would do without those who are lifting me up along the way.

The waters ahead - they are still dark and stormy. But I have a lifeboat full of those I love pulling me into their arms and holding me safe as we navigate the route ahead.


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