The Great Unless

It's funny how dreams become memories. And how the loss of a dream can lead to some of the most wonderful and bittersweet changes in a life. Our "dream" wall in 2020 - we would mark properties for sale with pushpins, color-coded by price and acreage I have lived in Indiana my whole life - but I have wanted to leave for more than half of it. I have dreamed of living in the Pacific NW since my very early 20s. My husband and I have planned, sketched dream properties and houses, "window-shopped" properties numerous times. I even went so far as to purchase maps of Oregon and Washington, plotting out climate pattern predictions to determine where we might want to end up long-term and selecting areas to search for homes. But circumstances, numerous and varied, have kept me here. I have come *thisclose* to actually making the dream of living in the Pacific NW a reality more than once. The first time was in 2007, when my now-husband, ex-husband, and I all took a road tri...

I am swimming in dark water, kicking furiously to keep my head above water but with arms like lead - so that above the surface it appears that I'm effortlessly staying afloat. Dramatic? Yes. But true? Also yes. Gotdamn, life can be hard AF. The breast cancer diagnosis hit me like a brick to the head. I knew I would very likely face the big C eventually, but I thought I had a good 15-20 years before then. Throughout this process I have hoped for the all clear. Instead... The abnormal mammogram - "it's likely nothing, we just want a better look" Then the next abnormal mammogram - "we still see something, so we want to make sure it's nothing to worry about" Then the biopsy - "it is still a very small percentage of tests that come back cancerous" And here we are. A diagnosis of ductal carcinoma in-situ (DCIS). Sure this is incredibly treatable and has a great prognosis, but it's still cancer. In the past week, I've met with a breast surgeon...

January 2019: Pain. There is not much else these days. Everything hurts. Everywhere. My hands. My feet. My arms. My legs.... My heart. My soul. Getting older is so so hard. How do I accept the inevitable passage of time? My children growing. My body aging. The slow inexorable march of my life. And the climate crisis looming around every corner I turn. I just want to do everything I can to avert the worst potential outcomes, yet I can't seem to even motivate myself off of the couch and into the world. I feel as if I am slowly shrinking into myself. I want to scream at the clock, the calendar, the sun. STOP TURNING. Please stop changing. Just for awhile. Let me hold onto this for awhile longer. Where did the time go? Such a cliche saying, but one I ask in heartfelt earnesty: Where did the time go??? I look at my children's faces and they are no longer beautiful babies but beautiful young ladies. Then I look in the mirror. Lord. I don't even recognize myself. The last fe...

We hear a lot about the privilege and wealth of the 1% - the tax breaks, the gated communities (or mansions), the private jets, etc. We complain about the burden put disproportionately on the remainder of us - in stagnant wages, rising costs of living, and so much more. Genocide: according to Merriam-Webster it is defined as " acts committed with intent to partially or wholly destroy a national, ethnic, racial, or religious group; also : the crime of committing such an act." More thoroughly, the United Nations defines it as pictured below: I share this now because we have just seen the latest report from the IPCC  and my question is this: when will we hold the fossil fuel industry responsible for their actions? They have known the consequences of burning death dug up from the ground for decades and they led a campaign of misinformation and lies in order to continue making profits while the poor and the disadvantaged payed the heaviest tolls. Now we are all finally real...

I am adrift. Lost in a sea of rage and despair with only this tiny lifeboat to cling to. How do we keep going, knowing what we know? In a world gone mad, what do we do when faced with countless bodies - victims of the largest mass murder in history? People whose lives ended because of the careless and soulless greed of humanity? Not all killed by a single person or a small band of felons, but by an industry and society gone mad. The climate is changing. Our world is changing. In a real, physical way. And it's not slowing down any time in the foreseeable future. And as it's changing, life is already getting harder for millions of people around the world. Resources - food, water - are becoming more scarce. We say BLACK LIVES MATTER. But what are we doing about the fact that black and brown bodies are the first to be sacrificed to the gods of oil and coal and gas? We say HONOR THE TREATIES. But what are we doing to prevent the contamination of Native lands? What are we doing...

What to do What to say I feel like the world Ain't a clue As to the world of shit that it's in Look at me Here I'll be Just desperately Trying to fit in While waiting for it all to burn Every day I try To hide my tears My fears My certainty That it's likely all fruitless Until people Everyone everywhere Realize the truth Of this crisis We are heading toward doom Every single death From heatstroke From flood From hurricane From insect-borne disease From starvation From thirst Caused by a shifting climate Is a murder with no hope of justice What is violence if not this? If not now? If not here? If not everywhere? Corporations killing millions For blood soaked money Earned through fossilized black gold and dust

I had a revelation this morning Looking in the mirror Tracing the lines etched on my face Usually I see them, try to smooth them Worrying about the worry lines & signs And how they reveal my age But today as I stared at my reflection I saw movements in those lines & marks Acts of defiance and resolve The bruised color beneath my eyes: the fight to always act on climate This line next to my eye: the trench where we say Black Lives Matter Where we strive for equity and understanding among all people And this one: filled with the shouts of females all over the world As we continue to rise up and claim the future The furrow between my brow: carved there by countless conversations With those who don’t understand the harm done by fascism and bigotry And then I move on to see those lines next to my mouth: The result of countless smiles blessed to me by my daughters And all those who have brought me joy So many more triumphs and sorrows Etched into my face Th...

Speaking with a friend the other day, we were both lamenting the inaction of many young people to get really involved in the fight against climate change. (In fact, I even wrote another blog about the lack of young people showing up a few weeks ago.) As we were talking, my friend questioned why the youth don’t feel urgency around this issue, why they aren’t willing to make sacrifices now knowing what the future holds if we don’t take action. And my response was: “I’m sure that the kids, just like the adults, are fucking terrified and just want to live while they can.” And it struck deep for both of us as we realized how scary and big this problem must seem to millennials and “Generation Z”. Facing this issue is overwhelming for us, but it’s existence-shattering-scary for most young people who take the time to really look at it. The “fight or flight” response kicks in when we are faced with a threat and, evolutionarily, if we are facing an opponent that we have little to no c...

(Disclaimer: I love lots of "old white people" and if you are one of those old white people who is working to make the world a better place, then my thanks to you; just know that you are in the minority. This post, however, is directed at (mostly) young people. And is about showing up. Or NOT showing up, as the case may be.) My timeline is full of people in my generation and younger complaining about the state of the world. Complaining about the sexism. Complaining about the racism. Complaining about the fascism. Just generally complaining. But you know what isn't full? Attendance at volunteer trainings. The Statehouse on advocacy days. The inboxes of our state legislators. Campaign offices. The freaking ballot boxes on election day. You know who does occasionally show up? Who does make the decisions on actions and bills? Old (mostly white) people. Are you okay with old white people determining the future of our country and our world? Because that, my friends, is wh...

Being home with my daughters over their break has been enlightening in many ways. Most notably today I realized how easy it would be to cocoon myself in the cares and worries of the everyday and ignore the world at large. It would take very little effort for me to block out the horrors committed daily, the violence impacting our people and our planet, and only to do the right thing for those closest to me without agonizing over the impact it may have on those I do not know or the Earth at large. I intellectually understand how people can put blinders on and just live day to day. And I was tempted. To move back into a world where all I had to think about was those I love most. A world of more contentment and peace. One where my every action isn’t tempered with thoughts of how this might not be best for the planet. Or guilt over all the things I have that others do not. One where I don’t constantly remind myself of the privilege I hold as a white woman born to a family that was abl...

Uneasy autumn Lines of rigid ash Along darkened roads Smoke chokes the air Of the only home I’ve known It seems as if the sun Is vacationing somewhere Uneasy autumn in a burning world Uneasy autumn A stranger in this place Seasonal pleasures of cider and leaves Are replaced by shivers of fear As we begin to say goodbye To the home we held so dear A dark blanket unfurled in an Uneasy autumn in a burning world Uneasy autumn Even the sea is enraged Waves whipping ashore Like a beast freed from a cage Homes lost to the depths Or vanished in the smoke Even the air becomes an enemy during an Uneasy autumn in a burning world

It has been a rough ride, has it not? Most of us are likely still shaken by the events in Charlottesville this past weekend. I've done quite a bit of reflection and self-analysis the past few days. As a white woman from a middle-class family, I recognize my privilege. I do not worry about the safety of my daughters should they have an encounter with the police. I do not worry about them being targeted for the color of their skin. What I do worry about is my own "white guilt" and the tendency of us white folk to take over spaces and conversations as a result of that guilt – and, even worse, not really contributing much when we are present. I worry about the lack of time I have to really hone in on this issue as I use my privilege to fight for environmental issues. But mostly, I worry about the fate of our planet and our society. I worry that there is SO MUCH work to be done on racial issues in this world we live in. And I have pledged to do more as a white woman and a...

I've been hiding from reality - unsuccessfully - for much too long. It turns out that the world doesn't get better just because you try and block out all of the horror. The runaway environmental disaster, the economic fallacy, the human-caused devastation of war - none of this goes away when you stop looking. It just builds and builds until you can't hide from it anymore and then it slaps you in the face hundreds of times over when you finally open your eyes. I'll be honest - I'm tired. I've only been in this fight for a little over a decade and I'm damned exhausted. I don't understand how those who have had their eyes open - those who have lived decades upon decades completely woke on every level - do it day in and day out. Their strength and stamina is a miracle to me. One I am desperately trying to emulate in my own life. So I am struggling back up out of this funk and reawakening to reality. This fight is hard. So. So. So. Hard. And I come from a...

I have been thinking often lately of the incredible people I am surrounded by in this work that I do. I have had a small handful of amazing friendships over the years, but there is something about a common cause that can bring people together in a way that is unique and soul-changing. When I started this journey of climate advocacy, it was mostly a lonely path. I would meet people at conferences or meetings and would then continue on my own, trying the best I could to make a difference in my own life. But jumping into this work with both feet, with my entire being, not only changed my perspective, it changed my community. While the work that I do is exhausting, often unfruitful, and at times depressing, the family I have gained along the way is incredible, uplifting, and worth every sleepless night. And that's what they are to me, these fellow Earth Warriors. Family. The bond I feel with them goes beyond mere friendship. Being joined together in a fight for the very future of h...

As a Hoosier, I once felt like I had no company in Indiana when it came to the climate crisis. Living in a small-town/rural setting left me feeling that there were few others who understood the severity of the times we are living in, much less were as passionate about this most pressing of all issues as I am. I had friends who "got" it in a way, but they were all able to remove themselves from the crisis mode I find myself living in day in and day out. (Honestly, I have long been jealous of the ability of others to shut out the horror and just focus on living their lives.) Unfortunately, I am not able to "turn off" my awareness - and I thought that perhaps I was the only one who constantly felt this overwhelming weight. Turns out, I am far from alone in my quest to "save the world" in Indiana. And, honestly, I was far from being the only small-town/rural Hoosier who have these feelings, too. In fact, now that my work revolves around environmental adv...

It is a big week in the Indiana General Assembly for the future of renewable energy. Senate Bill 309, the anti-rooftop solar bill, is being voted on in the House Utilities committee after passing through the Senate with flying colors a few weeks ago, despite an outpouring of opposition from citizens. There is no doubt that this terrible bill is a tipping point for Indiana's energy future. SB 309 would essentially kill net metering in Indiana, the process by which customers who generate their own electricity through the use of solar panels or other renewables are able to feed the excess electricity that they generate back to the grid and receive fair credits for their contribution to the system. SB 309 will end the net metering process after a tiered grandfathering process. This would severely undercut the growth of solar energy in Indiana. In a state that still gets over 70% of its electricity from coal, solar energy provides essentially zero risk to utilities. However, per u...

It was an unusually dark week for me. A rollercoaster of emotion and activity. It was the kind of week that takes your breath away, forcefully blows air back into your lungs, and then knocks the wind right back out again. I won't get into all the details of what my week consisted of; suffice it to say that the work I do can be grueling, brutally exhausting, and - occasionally - incredibly rewarding (hence why I persist). And this week tested me in ways I had not been tested in quite some time. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder (with some mild depression mixed in; you know, just to keep things even more fun). My anxiety is most often rooted in the climate crisis and the devastation we are wreaking on this planet upon which we live. This makes it an impossibility for me to ever "get over" the trauma that I feel daily. And I am slowly learning more about this constant state of panic and guilt and anger and grief that I live with because I finally - after two decad...

A few of the tipis at the Oceti Oyate camp. Photo taken by my friend Joshua Taflinger Today they come for the Water Protectors. They are coming for those who are standing up for their rights, their land, their water – and for us all. They are going to try to forcibly remove Native Americans from their ancestral lands again. Will this never end? The Standing Rock Sioux have endured more than I can possibly imagine – more than most people can even comprehend. And they are being asked to endure even more. I wish I could be there, to stand alongside them. I know many who are or who have been and they all return changed in a way. They have stood alongside the bravest, most terrorized, most marginalized, strongest people that have ever walked this land; and that experience opens their mind and spirit in ways that I can only hope to one day experience. The Lakota and their allies are fighting to protect water, land, and, indeed, the climate for everyone. An...

(Backstory: This piece was written when news first broke that Exxon had been feeding us misinformation for decades regarding climate change in order to pad their own pockets and protect their own interests. I was filled with rage...and I still am.) I am in mourning For all that should have been And all that can now never be. They knew. Like wicked demons prowling on innocents; They knew the risk they took, The future they would wrought, And they did it anyway With hushed meetings, Disingenuous campaigns of fiction, And stacks of money – They gambled away our future. My future. Your future. Our children’s future. Like so many nickels in a machine That only pays out to them And only in the short-term. For even they will feel these effects, The tumbling down of this house of cards, This fragile existence based on lies And finite materials. They were too busy Squandering away precious time And resources And lives To realize what they...

A view from Google of our homestead (near center) growing up. I grew up on a country road surrounded by cornfields.   Life was pretty simple as a child: playing in our large yard; getting together with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents weekly; enjoying the creek that ran out back of my grandpa’s farm; mushrooming in the surrounding woods; or just playing basketball from dawn to dusk with friends in the tiny town where my aunt took care of my sister and I every day during the summer. It’s amazing how life transforms us; how everything changes but yet so much remains the same… I would describe most of my extended family as very conservative in their political views and lifestyle (though my parents were never very political), and growing up I adhered to those same ideals and values.   I would argue vehemently with anyone who challenged my perspective (well...that hasn't changed).    I was completely pro-death penalty, pro-gun, anti-welfare, ...